On a random night at PNC Park, you may have looked up to the Jumbotron and saw two E-Sports athletes battling it out in a split screen Mario Kart-esque game where Pirate ships are collecting plunder at the Point. They’re ramping, they’re avoiding river monsters, and let me tell you from personal experience…they’re having the time of their lives!
That’s right, I’ve played Confluence Chaos. What an experience.
You start by being selected by Joe. He is the guy hosting the in game entertainment on the jumbotron; super friendly, cordial, and very good at his job. He gets some background on you that he can use to add some color to the showdown on the three rivers.
Next, they take you all the way up to the press box in an elevator where the doors open up to Pittsburgh legend Bob Pompeani (Yes this happens EVERY TIME and in no way was just a coincidence). Shaking his hand was one of the great honors of my life. Who do I see next? None other than Scott Moore of Bucco Bantr in the mid game grind. I could see it in his face when he saw me, “Did this guy sneak in here? Do they know he writes for Bucco Bantr? Is he about to destroy the empire Adam and I are trying to build?” Instead he looked me in the eye, and he gave me the words of encouragement I needed, “You better not f****** lose.”
Then they take you to the room where the game is set up and you can do a few trial runs. At first my stomach dropped because I saw that they use XBox controllers. We were always a Playstation or N64 family. But a true E-Sports athlete powers through without excuse.
My trial runs began against the gentleman next to me, and I realized, they gave me the bad controller. I was getting smoked. I was about to be publicly humiliated in a place I’d like to call a second home (first home to be honest, better view). I mean, the walk through cooler ladies and Miller Lite landing bartenders know my order. I know they're required to do it, but I like to think they still card me because they want me to feel young again.
I thought about faking an illness. I thought about the embarrassment, the ridicule, the loss of friendships, the loss of self respect should I get no points. But I couldn’t throw Joe under the bus like that. This man went out on a limb picking me. He could’ve gone with a young child, a first time PNC Park attendant to make it even more special, but he chose me, the old, couple beers deep, jaded Pirates fan that had been berating him all season to “drive that boat”. And when that game started, he was glad he did.
I jumped out to a hotter start than Konnor Griffin in his first game at PNC Park. I was getting all the treasure chests, getting coins along the way, steering the boat like a seasoned Captain Blackbeard. The waters were breaking just right. I was about to set the record high score in front of what felt like a crowd that would rival a World Cup match.
And that’s when it took a turn. My opponent started gaining on me, and out of nowhere a river monster blasted my ship out of the water! I was pretty sure this game was set up like NFL Blitz where they artificially make the score closer by having the winning team fumble and throw picks if they have a large lead. There was no chance in my mind that this game wasn’t cheating me.
Luckily I staved off defeat and finished with a 99. Respectable, and I left the press box with an awesome prize package! But I also left something out there on those cold waters. I left a chance at the high score and PNC Park immortality. I’ll send the video to Bucco Bantr and if they want they can post it with this article (probably with no sound because our crew of Ballpark Boys are degenerates 😉).
I propose this. No, I demand this. PNC Park should have a Confluence Chaos: Tournament of Champions! If Jeopardy can do it, why can’t we? I want to be the Ken Jennings of Confluence Chaos. I’ll take “Great Ideas for $1000 Alex”.
